How to cook steak…sexily
Cooking Steps
For you love-you-long-time readers, you know that almost two years ago, some fat bitch drove her car into me and fucked me up. I stopped training, stopped eating properly and consequently started this blog when Greg took away all my sweeties and set fire to them in front of me.
It’s taken until now, with various doctor’s appointments, having a gimp shoulder, physio with ugly people, physio with nice looking people, physio with people who got the medical report mixed up and spent a whole session massaging my calves for some reason, fighting for mobility, filling out endless reams of paperwork and seemingly having to relearn everything and start from scratch to get to here. And yesterday a big, fat cheque came through the post.
I’ve pretty much spent the money already on a bath of Haribo, hiring two Beyonce impersonators to dance me to my car every morning and a number of fetching spandex short-shorts for the gym but until it’s all ‘invested’ away I went out and celebrated the closing of that chapter of my life with some goddam steak.
This is how you cook some fucking steak;
You need
Some steak (I got a nice ribeye yo…it took all my willpower not to eat / hump it outside the butcher.
Salt
Pepper
Coconut oil
For the butter
Half a stick of grassfed butter (duuuuh)
A handful of coriander
Half a chili (optional)
Firstly, let the steak rest until it reaches room temperature. Meat cooked from chilled never tastes as good as meat cooked from room temperature because the center of the meat will always cook a lot slower. You’ll end up with the outside overcooked or the inside undercooked and then I’ll have to come round your house and kill you.
Whilst that’s happening and your cats are going insane, stick your butter ingredients into a blender and blend the shit out if. Don’t worry if it goes greenish either! Spoon the mixture onto a piece of clingfilm, roll it like a cigar (get your minds out of the gutter) and stick it in the fridge to solidify.
Steak time! Gently massage it with the salt, pepper and oil with some relaxation music in the background. Tell it how good it looks, spank it a little, tell it it’s a pwetty likkle steak….
When you’ve regained your sanity, stick your pan on a medium heat and add the steak when the pan is hot. The fat in the rib eye will melt and crust beautifully (you wont really get that if you grill your steak).
Do not move it! I cooked mine medium rare (Greg usually has his blue or torn from the screaming carcass of the escaping animal with his bare hands).
If you are going to turn it, turn it once over to get a crisscross. Use tongues too instead of a fork so you don’t end up pricking the meat and having ‘dem sexy juices leak out.
A quick reference guide to steak doneness;
If you put your little finger and thumb together then touch the pad of your hand under your thumb you’ll get a general indication of what your steak should feel like for a touch test.
Little finger + thumb = well done
Ring finger + thumb = medium well done
Fuck finger + thumb = medium
Index finger + thumb = medium rare
Surfs up = fuck the steak and get some shrimp on da barbie!
Transfer to plate, get yo’self a slice of butter and eat that badboy. I inhaled mine. And yes, I did the dance. Do you do the dance?
Serves 1
5
This is a Dairy Recipe
Ingredients
- steak!
- coconut oil
- salt & pepper
- 4 tablespoons grass-fed butter
- handful coriander (cilantro)
- 1/2 chili pepper
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15 Responses to “How to cook steak…sexily”
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Ugh, how terribly unpleasant.
Do it again!!! Do it again!!! Lol!!!
You are so right – so many people don’t know about letting meat come to room temp before cooking. Makes all the difference in the world!
my favorite FastPaleo blog of all times. keep it real, and raunchy.
Aww thanks guys! *group hug
Fat bitch? Really? A little respect and restraint would be nice. I could care less about the swearing and shit, but degrading terms like fat bitch aren’t cool. She may have been a bad driver or not a very nice person, but being fat had nothing to do with what happened. I’m sorry for your injury, but demonizing fat people isn’t cool. I’ll be unsubscribing now.
Finn + Greg = win!! =)
@Jenn (if you haven’t already unsubscribed): Finn is trying (successfully) to be funny and giving us a (really) awesome recipe. Comedy wouldn’t exist if comedians worried about offending others. In this particular case, I think it says a lot about him to be able to take somebody hospitalizing him and turn it into something that both makes people laugh and gives them an idea for something yummy to eat. Most people wouldn’t do that. It’s a joke, let’s appreciate it for that
~James
This post made me lol and also want some f’in steak. Love it!
(And the woman’s fatness just might have had something to do with what happened…who’s to say??)
James….
…I want to wear you like a glove.
#baconboner
Terrible. Disgraceful!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This is AWESOME!!! You are my IDOL!
If finding profanity and inappropriate things on the internet is a concern I would just sell the computer. I for one think it was funny and quite enjoyed the break from the mundane.
Loving to the 100%-ness.
Loved the BOL LOL and ROTFL moments of this!!! Laughed all the way through and had a great steak too!!!